Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
