i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
