Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize