on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
