Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
