apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
