What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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