Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
