no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
