he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize