ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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