Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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