dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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