woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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