I'm going to jail i love you
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
