I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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