Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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