Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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