The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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