I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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