Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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