She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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