I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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