I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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