i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
