turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
