Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
