I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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