What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
