News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize