Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
