Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
