Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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