Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
