Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
