god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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