His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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