i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
