You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
