i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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