I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
