I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize