Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
