The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
