I just threw up on my dentist
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
