Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
