I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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