Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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