i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
