I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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