thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
