I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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