Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
