I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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